"Octopussy 3-D: A XXX Parody" Has Shaken (Not Stirred) My Faith In Parody Porn

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There's a right way to parody a Bond film, and there's a wrong way. "Octopussy 3-D" only contributes one joke to : renaming the famous superspy "James Bone".

Octopussy 3-D: A XXX Parody

Studio: New Sensations
Director: J. Lalls
Cast: Danny Mountain, Priya Rai, Aletta Ocean, Audrey Bitoni, Phoenix Marie, Dylan Riley

Bond films, and spy films in general, provide rich soil for parody, yet New Sensations did painfully little with to make this parody porn blossom. We were promised A) good sex, B) wondrous 3-D fun, and C) a James Bond-esque plot; did they deliver?

Good sex? It's hard to complain about the talent in this film. Priya Rai shows her gorgeous ass in the first ten seconds of the film, Aletta Ocean has always reminded me of a Cold War villainess (that is, she's indiscriminately foreign and attractive), and Phoenix Marie is a big-titted bombshell and is always welcome on screen.

Unfortunately, the sex was non-stop POV, and while it can be fun, you need to break the illusion sometimes. Sure, it's nice to have Audrey Bitoni (who plays Octopussy by the way; she's a poor substitute for Maud Adams) and Dylan Riley share your cock while calling you an international superspy, but only when the cock is directly in front of the camera. If we can see James Bone's entire body in the background, his face smashed under Audrey's sweet ass, it really looks bad when Audrey looks in the camera and says "Oh, James Bone, your tongue feels so good!" It's creepy. And this happens at least once in every sex scene.

How about the 3-D? Maybe Phoenix's ass looks tasty bulging out of the TV, as does Priya's squirting, but you don't need an additional dimension to appreciate them. So J. Lalls has to invent reasons to make things fly around: girls throw underwear at the camera, blow bubbles, playing cards, feathers, whatever.

3-D is difficult to pull off, and the 3-D in "Octopussy" was miserably done. For one, it's terribly inconsistent throughout—most scenes only have a hint of red/cyan shimmer around the edges, an insulting reminder of what we should be seeing. Second, and worse, it mangles faces, vaginas, and every other delicate thing we find beautiful about pornstars. It'd almost be better just to watch the 2-D version. (Almost.)

Did they even try to make this a Bond spoof? New Sensations kept the Faberge eggs, included some "Casino Royale"-like poker game (which took a horribly dull, momentum-killing fifteen minute chunk out of the movie), rented a nice car for Danny Mountain to drive, threw a bunch of random ladies on screen, and changed "Bond" to "Bone".

But the plot and dialogue are so painfully awkward, it feels like J. Lalls wrote the script using Ian Fleming Mad Libs. James Bone has neither Sean Connery's sharp-witted misogyny nor Leslie Nielsen's "Naked Gun" poop humor; he exists in the purgatory of bland personalities. Every time Danny pops on a girl's face, he says, "You've been Boned." Where's Nick Manning when you need him?

Without a decent plot, working 3-D, or visible sex scenes, what do you have? Disappointment. "Octopussy 3-D" is pure disappointment.

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Tagged in: bond, review, parody, spoof, dvd, gallery, audreybitoni, dylanriley, jamesbond, alettaocean, priyarai, dannymountain, jlalls, phoenixmarie, newsensations, avoid, photo, straight

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